Subbing for Luke's 5th grade class this afternoon, the following conversation actually took place:
Teacher: Help the kids work on their science worksheets creating food webs of producers, primary consumers and secondary consumers. If they finish in time they can work on their math homework.
Me: Sounds good, enjoy your after---
Teacher: And one more thing, Lisa has show-and-tell to share with the class today.
Me: Okay...
Teacher: It's a snake.
Me: Of course it is.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Rosie's back!
Whether you find her hilarious (like me) or annoying (like my husband), I think you will appreciate the following story she told on her show, which I have yet to see but heard repeatedly on a recent road trip thanks to XM radio (best car invention since the DVD player):
Rosie, during a period of semi-hiatus from public life in the past decade, was out on the town with her kids. A woman approached her and asked, "Are you Rosie O'Donnell?"
"Yes, I am," Rosie replied.
The woman surveyed Rosie head-to-toe, spending a little extra time focusing on the middle, before saying, "I didn't know you were pregnant!"
"Yep," the definitely not-pregnant Rosie answered, "6 months."
I love it.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Ode to my Teenage Girl
Has anyone seen my baby?
With soft Blond hair and eyes of blue?
Her cheeks are plump and rosy
Her toothless grin will coo
Has anyone seen my baby?
She never screams or cries
She never talks back to her dad or me
And she never, ever rolls her eyes
Something happened when I blinked
Something terribly wrong, I dread
Someone took my beautiful baby
And left me a teenager instead!
Has anyone seen my baby?
Singing “Twinkle Little Star”
My baby laughs and giggles all day,
And she’s never asked to drive my car
Has anyone seen my baby?
She’s snuggly like fluffy cloud
She smells like Johnson’s baby bath
And she loves it when I sing out loud
It wasn’t all that long ago,
When I rocked her ‘til she went to bed
But when I awoke my baby was gone
I found a teenager instead!
No, it wasn’t all that long ago
We palled around together all the time
They say somewhere in this teenage girl
Is that baby, sweet baby of mine!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Hey, Hey, Hey... Goodbye
Dear Vanderbilt,
It is with a heavy heart that I offer deepest condolences on the SEC's recent acquisition of the University of Missouri. Honestly, we Kansans never thought the day would come when a fierce and storied conference of such historical and athletic significance would take the Tigers (MU, not Auburn, your original SEC Tigers) in as their own.
I will spare you, dear Vandy, the written details of all that awaits. Instead, please enjoy this video and look forward to this sampling of shining moments...
Best of luck to you, my favorite black-n-gold team,
Julie
It is with a heavy heart that I offer deepest condolences on the SEC's recent acquisition of the University of Missouri. Honestly, we Kansans never thought the day would come when a fierce and storied conference of such historical and athletic significance would take the Tigers (MU, not Auburn, your original SEC Tigers) in as their own.
I will spare you, dear Vandy, the written details of all that awaits. Instead, please enjoy this video and look forward to this sampling of shining moments...
Best of luck to you, my favorite black-n-gold team,
Julie
Monday, October 31, 2011
Halloween
It was a crisp, clear fall night
A perfect time for a fright
With friends who aim to delight
While the band rocked with all of their might...
And little goblins had their fun too
Hitting the 'hood up for sugary goo
At lights-out they cried, "We're not through!"
Look out, they might come next for you...
But pumpkin-carving brought the most joy
Creating gourd art with our kid convoy
One question for you, I don't mean to be coy,
Which one was carved by our 10-year-old boy?...
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Luckily it came back benign
Turn 40, get mammogram...
Get compression mammogram (yes, they can compress more than a regular mammogram)...
Get a phone call from the doctor recommending a biopsy. (Which, as I mentioned above, came back benign.)
My dear and highly skilled surgeon needs to work on his sales pitch, though. For this is how the biopsy was presented.
"You'll check in at the hospital and be taken to a room to change into a hospital gown, undressed from the waist on up. You will then lie down on a table right up next to a mammography machine. Your breast will be positioned into the machine and held in place while photos are taken. Still in this position, with your breast in the aforementioned vice grip, the radiologist will insert a needle deep into your breast tissue to remove as many micro-calcifications as he feels are needed to examine by a pathologist. He will check the specimens under a microscope, not freeing you from the device until he is satisfied that an appropriate sample has been removed. The process takes about an hour and half."
(at this point he noticed my face had lost color, I noticed the walls moving in on me)
"You will receive valium," he added, as if that would make it all better. Which it did.
But the best part was the benign path report. A great way to wrap up breast cancer awareness month for our home.
Get compression mammogram (yes, they can compress more than a regular mammogram)...
Get a phone call from the doctor recommending a biopsy. (Which, as I mentioned above, came back benign.)
My dear and highly skilled surgeon needs to work on his sales pitch, though. For this is how the biopsy was presented.
"You'll check in at the hospital and be taken to a room to change into a hospital gown, undressed from the waist on up. You will then lie down on a table right up next to a mammography machine. Your breast will be positioned into the machine and held in place while photos are taken. Still in this position, with your breast in the aforementioned vice grip, the radiologist will insert a needle deep into your breast tissue to remove as many micro-calcifications as he feels are needed to examine by a pathologist. He will check the specimens under a microscope, not freeing you from the device until he is satisfied that an appropriate sample has been removed. The process takes about an hour and half."
(at this point he noticed my face had lost color, I noticed the walls moving in on me)
"You will receive valium," he added, as if that would make it all better. Which it did.
But the best part was the benign path report. A great way to wrap up breast cancer awareness month for our home.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Substitute Teacher
I have a degree in Human Biology, not Education. But that does not stop my kids' grade school from calling for occasional emergency substitute teaching from time to time.
This time it was the music teacher called away at the last minute who needed backup. I agreed to an afternoon-only stint, threw on something prettier than my yoga pants and planted myself in the music room.
First-, second-, and third-graders paraded in and out of the room thrilled for fresh meat (me) and surprised at how their sub (me) did not tolerate excessive noise (them) well.
But then the preschoolers waddled in. Delightful, happy, easy-to-please, these little creatures politely filed to their seats, excited to watch a DVD for our 25 minutes together.
"Elmo Presents Peter and the Wolf" held the attention of these delicious human nuggets with the exception of one little toe-headed boy who had some concerns.
With the lights dim and the movie rolling, my soon-to-be friend waddled across the front of the room to ask me a question.
"Do you think they will have a real wolf?" he whispered between his pudgy cheeks.
"I doubt it," I assured him. Temporarily confident he was not about to witness a Muppet massacre, he made his way back to his seat. For about two minutes. And then he made his way back.
"Do you think Elmo will be the wolf?" he again whispered wide-eyed.
I was impressed with his mental casting, but I did not know the answer. "I'm not sure," I replied, "why don't you go back to your seat and watch the show to find out?"
Perhaps distracted by the private Q/A session, perhaps oblivious to it all and full of questions themselves, a number of hands flew into the air. I quietly offered that anyone with a question come to me rather than disrupt the movie.
Four kids immediately evacuated their chairs and lined up before me. Led by my friend, there for a three-peat.
"Did you know Elmo and Telly are friends?" he asked.
"I did!" I answered with quiet but undeniable enthusiasm. Off he went.
The next child had stepped forward, mouth open but with no sound coming out.
"Do you need to think about your question?" I asked. A silent nod and pivot turn, and the child went back to the movie.
A serious-faced tot stepped forward next.
"I can't concentrate on the movie with all of these people talking."
"I agree," I answered. "Go on back to your seat and we'll all watch the show."
Finally, a precious little girl with big blue eyes and cherub-like cheeks stepped forward.
"I love you," she whispered earnestly.
It was the sweetest thing I'd heard all day. I considered gobbling her up, but I was pretty sure her parents wanted her back. So I simply replied, "I love you too."
This time it was the music teacher called away at the last minute who needed backup. I agreed to an afternoon-only stint, threw on something prettier than my yoga pants and planted myself in the music room.
First-, second-, and third-graders paraded in and out of the room thrilled for fresh meat (me) and surprised at how their sub (me) did not tolerate excessive noise (them) well.
But then the preschoolers waddled in. Delightful, happy, easy-to-please, these little creatures politely filed to their seats, excited to watch a DVD for our 25 minutes together.
"Elmo Presents Peter and the Wolf" held the attention of these delicious human nuggets with the exception of one little toe-headed boy who had some concerns.
With the lights dim and the movie rolling, my soon-to-be friend waddled across the front of the room to ask me a question.
"Do you think they will have a real wolf?" he whispered between his pudgy cheeks.
"I doubt it," I assured him. Temporarily confident he was not about to witness a Muppet massacre, he made his way back to his seat. For about two minutes. And then he made his way back.
"Do you think Elmo will be the wolf?" he again whispered wide-eyed.
I was impressed with his mental casting, but I did not know the answer. "I'm not sure," I replied, "why don't you go back to your seat and watch the show to find out?"
Perhaps distracted by the private Q/A session, perhaps oblivious to it all and full of questions themselves, a number of hands flew into the air. I quietly offered that anyone with a question come to me rather than disrupt the movie.
Four kids immediately evacuated their chairs and lined up before me. Led by my friend, there for a three-peat.
"Did you know Elmo and Telly are friends?" he asked.
"I did!" I answered with quiet but undeniable enthusiasm. Off he went.
The next child had stepped forward, mouth open but with no sound coming out.
"Do you need to think about your question?" I asked. A silent nod and pivot turn, and the child went back to the movie.
A serious-faced tot stepped forward next.
"I can't concentrate on the movie with all of these people talking."
"I agree," I answered. "Go on back to your seat and we'll all watch the show."
Finally, a precious little girl with big blue eyes and cherub-like cheeks stepped forward.
"I love you," she whispered earnestly.
It was the sweetest thing I'd heard all day. I considered gobbling her up, but I was pretty sure her parents wanted her back. So I simply replied, "I love you too."
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