Friday, November 25, 2011

Black Friday - or is it Thursday?

oh, Happy Thanksgiving!

Just like the Pilgrims and Native Americans, we started the morning by browsing for Christmas deals online and praying we had enough marshmallows to cover the sweet potatoes because, God forbid, we did not want to make yet another trip to the grocery store, open until noon Thanksgiving Day.

While kicking it 400-years-ago, my husband found a fabulous deal on two Christmas presents for the kids himself at Best Buy. But he wasn't quite ready to pull the trigger and decided to take the dog on a walk to mull it over. Sadly, though, he returned to find Best Buy had sold out of the cyber-deal, even removing both items from Dave's virtual cart.

Plan B (going to Best Buy at midnight) busted up when we discovered the line to get in was wrapped around the building when we drove by for recon - - 2 1/2 hours before the store opened.

Just for sport we also drove by Target and Walmart. I would be surprised at how many people were in line, but then I remember that we live in a country that keeps Jersey Shore on the air.

Still, there is no shortage of reasons to be thankful.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Judgement Day

I helped judge a series of 20-minute musicals in written and audio recorded format for a University of Kansas philanthropy, Rock Chalk Revue. 

We laughed, we cried on the inside, we sat through awkward silence. Every group came in with great energy and enthusiasm, though not necessarily with great acting or singing. But what the night might have lacked in quality entertainment, it made up for with very short skirts, very high heels, and very bare legs sported by these young co-eds and adored by the gentlemen in the room.

After judging, two friends and I went down to the near-campus bar, The Wheel, for a pitcher of cheap beer and ruled the jukebox for 17 glorious tunes (plus "Jump" by the Pointers Sisters, which I had accidentally played thinking it was the Van Halen version). As the college crowd rolled in with their very short skirts and very high heels, we decided it was time to wrap things up. But first a strapping young college boy came over to us, recognizing us from the judging panel, and proceeded to grill us on his show, which, thankfully, was one we enjoyed.

He then pointed to me saying he remembered me judging last year. Fearful that I might have subjected him to a monologue on the proper use of their, there and they're, I asked him if I had been too mean to them.

"No," he said with a grin, "we remembered you as the good-looking mom-type person."

I excused myself and got in line for the restroom so I could play the game where I lift up parts of my face near the hairline to see what I looked like 15 year ago, but the line was very long. Fortunately a young girl from the same show saw me and brought me to the front of the line to grill me on the judging process. I listened to her a bit and, when the door opened, announced to the long line of co-eds that I really needed to use the facility and, having birthed 4 kids, I knew how to do it quickly. Without waiting for approval, I pivot-turned and locked the bathroom door behind me, receiving awe-struck applause when I emerged relieved and with clean hands in less than 60 seconds.

Dave told me this morning that I cannot use phrases like "Kids these days... " and "mixed tape" and complain about a 21-year-old pegging me as a "mom-type." (Dave can be such a drag.)

Off to buy some 4-inch heels so I can blend with the youngins, but only if they come with good arch support and generous inner padding.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


Subbing for Luke's 5th grade class this afternoon, the following conversation actually took place:

Teacher:  Help the kids work on their science worksheets creating food webs of producers, primary consumers and secondary consumers. If they finish in time they can work on their math homework.

Me:  Sounds good, enjoy your after---

Teacher:  And one more thing, Lisa has show-and-tell to share with the class today.

Me:  Okay...

Teacher:  It's a snake.

Me:  Of course it is.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Rosie's back!

Whether you find her hilarious (like me) or annoying (like my husband), I think you will appreciate the following story she told on her show, which I have yet to see but heard repeatedly on a recent road trip thanks to XM radio (best car invention since the DVD player):

Rosie, during a period of semi-hiatus from public life in the past decade, was out on the town with her kids. A woman approached her and asked, "Are you Rosie O'Donnell?"

"Yes, I am," Rosie replied.

The woman surveyed Rosie head-to-toe, spending a little extra time focusing on the middle, before saying, "I didn't know you were pregnant!"

"Yep," the definitely not-pregnant Rosie answered, "6 months."

I love it.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Ode to my Teenage Girl

Has anyone seen my baby?
With soft Blond hair and eyes of blue?
Her cheeks are plump and rosy
Her toothless grin will coo

Has anyone seen my baby?
She never screams or cries
She never talks back to her dad or me
And she never, ever rolls her eyes

Something happened when I blinked
Something terribly wrong, I dread
Someone took my beautiful baby
And left me a teenager instead!

Has anyone seen my baby?
Singing “Twinkle Little Star”
My baby laughs and giggles all day,
And she’s never asked to drive my car

Has anyone seen my baby?
She’s snuggly like fluffy cloud
She smells like Johnson’s baby bath
And she loves it when I sing out loud

It wasn’t all that long ago,
When I rocked her ‘til she went to bed
But when I awoke my baby was gone
I found a teenager instead!

No, it wasn’t all that long ago
We palled around together all the time
They say somewhere in this teenage girl
Is that baby, sweet baby of mine!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Hey, Hey, Hey... Goodbye

Dear Vanderbilt,

It is with a heavy heart that I offer deepest condolences on the SEC's recent acquisition of the University of Missouri. Honestly, we Kansans never thought the day would come when a fierce and storied conference of such historical and athletic significance would take the Tigers (MU, not Auburn, your original SEC Tigers) in as their own.

I will spare you, dear Vandy, the written details of all that awaits. Instead, please enjoy this video and look forward to this sampling of shining moments...

Best of luck to you, my favorite black-n-gold team,